


Indiana

by vodkasam



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Grieving Dean, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-22
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-16 13:52:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1349746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vodkasam/pseuds/vodkasam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of the ups and downs of Dean's emotional journey during his stay with Lisa and Ben. It picks up at the end of Swan Song (5x22) and ends at Exile on Main Street (6x01).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Indiana

 

Dean shows up with two duffel bags on Lisa’s doorstep three days after Sam jumps in the pit. He’s a mess. She opens the door and whispers, “Thank God.” Dean tries to talk, but he can’t get more than two words out without his voice breaking, so he opts for whispers. Not soon enough, she’s pulling him into a hug. She’s soft and cool, not hot and big like his brother, but Dean is gracious for the affection.

 

“Shhh, shh-shh-shh, it’s okay, Dean. It’s gonna be okay.”

 

He buries his face in the crook of her shoulder, letting himself be comforted. After a moment, she pulls him inside and makes him change so she can salvage his blood-covered clothes. He sits brokenly at the table while she fixes him a cup of hot chocolate.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben comes downstairs then, and at the sight of Dean, his eyes light up. He runs to the table and embraces Dean, hard and fierce and young. Dean holds him back, rests his forehead on Ben’s shoulder. Ben pulls back, chattering excitedly about his new video game he wants Dean to play with him, and Dean can’t help but reveal a small smile. It’s been a long, long time since someone was this pleased to see him, and kids are always so genuine he can really believe it’s not faked or exaggerated.

 

Dean allows Ben to drag him to the couch, and they plop down next to each other. Dean needs this, and Ben does, too, and that’s when Lisa makes the decision to let Dean stay as long as he needs.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day finds Ben at school and Dean outside Lisa’s house, punching the brick wall of the garage until his knuckles are scraped so raw Lisa thinks she see can see part of his bone. He’s shaking when she embraces him, and he stands there dutifully but can only speak to say that he needs gauze.

 

* * *

 

 

Three nights later, Dean starts screaming in his sleep. He’s yelling for Sam and someone named Cas, and he’s frantic, panicked. Just the sound of it is making Lisa’s stomach hurt. She’s shaking Dean trying to wake him, and when she finally does, he can’t catch his breath.

 

For the first time, he pulls her into a tight hug. She can hardly breathe from the pressure of it, but she doesn’t care. He’s sobbing, and that’s all she can think about. The brave soldier has finally broken, is finally showing weakness. He cries into her for a while, but eventually, his breathing evens out and he falls back asleep. She lies awake for an hour after that, wondering what the hell she’s gotten herself into.

 

* * *

 

 

A week passes, and Dean still hasn’t talked about it. Lisa’s already pieced together bits of the story here and there, but nothing huge. She’s pretty sure Sam’s not coming back (dead?), and Dean’s taking it just as hard as she expected. His dad’s teaching and what Dean’s feeling inside aren’t meshing this time, though, so the days have been colored with angry, emotional outbursts and silent, stony gazes, and she’s not really sure what to think.

 

Dean starts talking about wanting to get a job, but she won’t let him look. He’s constantly zoned out and can’t go a few hours without drinking something to give him a buzz that’ll distract from the pain. She doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s a Tuesday night when Lisa’s in the bathroom that she hears Dean talking to himself in her room. She pauses brushing her teeth and creeps to the door to listen. She can hear him more than she can actually understand him, so it’s just snatches of words and phrases here and then, but something about “Sammy’s still down there” and “Cas” and “please help me.”

 

At first she thinks he’s on the phone, but then she realizes – he’s _praying_. The longer she listens, the sooner she figures out he’s praying to this Cas person, and then she gets nervous. Is Dean schizophrenic? Is this some sort of psychotic break?

 

The next morning, she does some research on her computer about “Cas” and religion, but nothing really comes up. When Dean stops working on his car to come in and get lunch, she asks him to think about going to a grief support group. He gets so angry so fast that she literally backs up. He starts yelling at her about Sam not being dead and it being all his own fault, and Lisa starts crying out of fear.

 

Any doubt Lisa had about what hunting was doing to Dean’s mind has just been erased. He’s hardened more than she realized was possible. Still, she knows he’s still in there somewhere, because he gathers her up in his arms and spends the next two days apologizing.

 

He makes dinner to try to make up for it, just frozen chicken nuggets and Kraft macaroni, but it makes Ben so happy to have “fun food” that Dean starts watching the food channel and learning how to make easy stuff that they all like. Lisa’s pleasantly surprised and lets him make dinner every other night. It’s been good for him to do something to keep busy, and he lets Ben help him if he’s in a good mood. Things start to look up.

 

* * *

  

Sooner than Dean realizes, it’s been about a month after Sam jumped. Lisa is getting ready for work, and out of nowhere, Dean completely breaks down. He’s sitting on the floor of her bedroom sobbing when she gets out of the shower. She dresses quickly and squats down next to him.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Dean says brokenly, shaking his head, but the crying is coming out in a way that seems almost violent, in hiccups and gasps. Dean’s doubling over with the force of it as she’s rubbing his back, trying to talk to him. “I ca-“ he gasps, “-can’t stop.”

 

“I know,” she says gently. She crosses the phone to take her phone out of her bag and returns to Dean and rubbing his back. She calls in to work and tells them there’s a family emergency, that she won’t be able to make it today. Belatedly, she realized that even though it was just an excuse, Dean really was becoming part of her family.

 

They spend the day lying on the sofa together, and Dean cries for at least another hour without stopping. From there, it’s on and off throughout the day, triggered by phrases on the TV or kids outside with floppy, brown hair. When Ben gets home from school, Dean goes to Lisa’s room and sleeps.

 

“Ben, come here,” Lisa says, when he comes through the door. He sits down at the kitchen table, and she starts cutting up an apple and some cheese for his snack. “You remember how I told you something happened to Dean’s brother, Sam?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“He’s having a really hard time with it today. We need to be extra nice to him, okay? He’s really sad.”

 

Ben pops a cheese cube into his mouth and chews thoughtfully. “Can we make him a card? And a special dinner?”

 

Lisa gives him a kiss on the top of the head. “I think that would be a wonderful idea.”

 

* * *

 

 

A couple weeks pass uneventfully, and then Ben catches a stomach virus at school. Lisa has to be at work for a meeting, so Dean volunteers to take care of him so she can go. She must tell Dean “thank you” a million times before he shoos her out the door. Dean is secretly excited to do some good at the house, though, since Lisa still won’t let him get a job. Plus, it’s not like he hasn’t taken care of Sammy a million times. That thought comes with a pang of sadness, but he’s glad he’s still got someone to take care of.

 

Ben’s in bed, but he doesn’t last long there. They move into the bathroom and Dean’s respectful of Ben’s need for quiet. He leaves for a second to grab some water and a pillow and a blanket for Ben and a couple of beers for himself. Ben is too hot for the blanket at the moment, grateful for the cold tile floor, but later, between bouts of nausea, he falls asleep on the pillow with the blanket tugged up to his chin.

 

Dean’s propped himself up in the corner against the spot where the bathtub meets the wall, and he’s carding his fingers slowly through Ben’s hair to keep both of them relaxed. If Dean doesn’t have something to distract him from the gnawing silence, he’s gonna lose it, and anyway, the longer this kid can sleep, the better.

 

Half an hour later, Ben wakes up, paler than ever, to some really awful nausea. When he starts puking again, he apologizes. Dean shakes his head and murmurs, “It’s okay, Sammy.” Luckily, Ben is too out of it to process what Dean just said.

 

* * *

 

 

Two months after Sam jumped, Lisa’s getting ready to start dinner when Dean softly asks if he can talk to her. At first she’s nervous that he’s going to leave or that she’s done something wrong, but she sits down with him anyway. He shocks her by opening up a little about Sam. He doesn’t say what happened, but he talks about his little brother, and what he says is all so careful and so loving that it makes Lisa ache for Dean and his pain. Dean cries a little, but it’s all very… normal. She comforts him and he thanks her and lets her know he’s going to go to sleep early.

  
She’s never been more proud of him.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben gets frustrated with his homework while Dean’s in the kitchen. Ben smacks the table, and Dean pops his head around the corner to see what’s up. At the sight of Dean walking in, drying his hands on a towel, Ben sits up straighter and tries to smooth his face into a neutral expression.

 

Dean gives him a look, but then he stops himself. _Don’t be like Dad_. Dean crosses the room to get to him and pulls him into a hug like he’s seen Dads give to their kids. “Come on, man, let’s take a break, yeah?” Dean asks, holding a hand out.

 

Ben takes his hand, and when they go to the kitchen, Dean delegates the simpler tasks to Ben. After the potatoes are peeled and the vegetables are washed, Dean goes to look at the homework with Ben. “Ah, math. Math sucks.”

 

“Uh-huh,” Ben agrees, nodding.

 

Dean sits down and cracks his knuckles. “Alright, let’s do it,” Dean says with a smile.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean has gotten really good at Ben’s video games. Sometimes when he can’t sleep, he goes downstairs and plays them. Ben knows, but he doesn’t tell, because he’s glad Dean is a cool dad.

 

* * *

 

 

One afternoon when Lisa’s working late, Dean falls asleep on the couch while Ben is doing his homework in the kitchen. One of the bad nightmares comes, the shaking, yelling kind.

 

Ben wakes Dean from it, all big eyes and innocence, and Dean grabs him in a hug. Ben is surprised, but is glad to have someone hug. After the changeling thing happened, Ben had a lot of nightmares, too, so he knows how scary and real they feel.

 

That’s the first time he realizes that sometimes even grown-ups don’t have it all together.

 

* * *

 

 

On Dean’s birthday, the three of them go out to eat, and when they come home, Lisa bakes an apple pie. Lisa and Ben sit on either side of Dean on the couch, all of them eating pie and ice cream. They watch The Lion King even though Ben has started claiming he’s too old for it, and Dean squeezes each of them closer and kisses the top of each of their heads, hoping they understand the silent thank you he’s trying to express.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s late morning a few days later, there’s a shout, a crash, and the sound of Dean bursting into tears. Lisa rushes out of her room, but stops short when she sees Dean at the bottom of the stairs engaged with a man – not Sam – in the most intimate embrace she’s ever seen. She backs slightly into her room, but keeps watching as they sink to the floor.

 

The other man has his eyes shut and is smiling happily, holding Dean is if his life depends on it. She can’t see Dean’s face, but she imagines he looks much the same.

 

“Dammit, Cas,” Dean sobs, but she can hear the happiness in his voice anyway.

 

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t get to you,” the man says. His voice is low, entrancing. “I heard your prayers, but I was… stuck.”

 

“You’re here now,” Dean murmurs, the tears subsiding. “You’re here,” he says, as if realizing it all over again. “You’re here!” he shouts, and it’s gleeful, almost embarrassing how happily it comes out. He squeezes the man, who laughs, even tighter.

 

There’s a loud rustling, and Dean squirms. “Aw, come on, man,” he smiles.

 

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it,” is the reply. There is a slight pause as they settle into each other.

 

Lisa is thoroughly confused as to what’s going on, but she decides to let it play out rather than appear and start asking questions. If someone who showed up out of the blue was enough to make Dean’s knees give out, she was interested to see his true relationship with this person, not the one she knew he’d create if she noticed.

 

“I never truly left you, Dean. Like I said, I could always hear your prayers. I am so sorry for your pain.”

 

Dean makes a noncommittal sound.

 

“It was not nothing, Dean, it was horrific. I wish I could have been with you.” A beat passes. “Would you like to go somewhere else for a while?”

 

“Yeah. Thanks, Cas.”

 

Castiel looks up at Lisa with a small smile and lets her see the wings he has wrapped around Dean. Then he unfurls them, and they fill almost the entire entry. The two of them completely disappear.

 

She sags against the doorframe, mouth wide open, a hand to her chest. She feels shock, but also relief. Three separate thoughts slam into her mind, almost at the same time: Dean’s not crazy. If there are angels, there must be a God. _There had just been an angel in her house._

 

* * *

 

 

The next time she sees Dean, it's from the upstairs window. He’s outside working on his car again. The man (angel?) from earlier appears in Lisa's bedroom. He’s wingless this time, and she nearly drops the mail she’s looking through. She gets quickly to her feet, but can’t find any words. She doesn’t know how to speak to an angel, though she recalls Dean talking to him like an old friend.

 

“Lisa Braeden,” he says, and his voice is more gravelly than she remembers.

 

She doesn’t really know what to do, so she just gives a sort of half bow. The man in front of her smiles, but speaks slowly and clearly.

 

“My name is Castiel. I am an angel of the Lord. I want to thank you for taking care of my charge while I was absent. Dean needed you, and I am incredibly thankful for your patience and kindness. I have spoken with him and been able to get a gauge on how he is doing. You will be glad to know I have taken much of his pain from him. His head is much clearer and he will be able to function more efficiently.”

 

Lisa just nodded.

 

“He cares for you very much,” Castiel says.

 

Lisa smiles.

 

“Thank you,” Castiel repeats, and then he is gone. From the window, though, she sees him appear instantly at Dean’s side. A black wing wraps around Dean to pull him closer.

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel checks in on Dean at least twice a day, which Dean secretly finds to be a massive comfort. They watch TV together after Ben goes to sleep, and sometimes Castiel sits with Dean while Dean eats lunch. Every time he comes back, he alleviates some of Dean’s pain. He doesn’t take any of his memories, just helps him with the heaviness that’s causing Dean’s soul to drag the ground.

 

Lisa doesn’t realize the angel is around so much until she comes downstairs to find Dean dozing on his chest with the television muted in front of them.

 

Lisa almost doesn’t say anything, but she has to.

 

“You love him,” she murmurs.

 

Castiel nods.

 

Lisa should be upset or confused, but she finds herself relieved. What Dean needed the most was something he could hold on to. While he did find that in Ben and herself, this was different. This was someone he was used to, someone to support him, someone who had literally seen his bare soul.

 

Dean may not have the capacity to get completely better, but he’s certainly much better than he had been, and for that, Lisa is grateful.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean finds a guitar in the attic. He finds that he still remembers the basics of how to play, and he sets about reading chord charts and strumming to his heart’s content. Everyone is more than happy to hear him singing.

 

* * *

 

 

Sam’s birthday passes in May. Dean stays in bed all day. That night, he can’t sleep, so he tries to write Sam a letter but he just gets more and more upset and quits. Cas appears beside him and holds him even though he’s not crying.

 

“I miss him, too,” Cas offers, and it actually means a lot more to Dean than either of them were expecting.

 

* * *

 

 

Summer barbecues become a thing, and with them, late night thunderstorms. Sam was afraid of them when he was a kid, so Dean knows how to make them fun.

 

They stay up past all of their bedtimes waiting out the storm. Dean explains how thunder really works, cause even though Lisa and Dean pretend not to notice, Ben’s hands are trembling while he’s holding the flashlight. He’s allowed to sleep between Lisa and Dean that night, his warm breath in Dean’s face like Sammy’s used to be. They both smelled like baby skin way longer than they should have, but it was becoming sweet in Dean’s eyes instead of sad.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s Ben’s turn to have a nightmare. He runs down the hall to Dean and Lisa’s room, and he goes to Dean’s side of the bed and shakes the man awake. Dean is kind and concerned, and he gets Ben a drink of water and turns Ben's pillow over and sits at the edge of the bed until Ben falls back asleep like he used to do for Sammy. Dean pretends he didn’t see Ben tug the stuffed bear out from under the bed while he had his back turned.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean gets a job. Nothing fancy, but he takes what he can get. He doesn’t drink as much, and he starts letting Ben help him with the Impala. He loves the kid so much that it hurts him sometimes.

 

Speaking of “the kid,” Dean thinks of Sam about a million times a day, but it’s a million less than when he thought about him two million times a day. Breathing feels easier. He can smile without crying now.

 

* * *

 

 

A couple months later, Dean’s leaving the bar when he hears a scream. He goes to investigate and somehow ends up in a bone-crushing hug with his little brother. And then everything goes to hell again.


End file.
